Sometimes I do a hard reboot on my laptop just to remind it who’s in charge.
i'm the boss
in random
unintended consequences
in observations
Makeup mirrors should come with warnings…
"CAUTION: Prolonged use of 7x magnification can cause nausea, prolonged attacks of vanity, panic, paranoia when stared at, and in extreme cases, the mistaken belief that your pores have mutated to a size large enough to swallow cities whole. Use sparingly."
knitter's humor
in puns
She was Yarn Drunk: she felt the need to get completely worsted…
Germs = babies
TheKid: [Boy] and me played the kissing game today!
TheDad: Baby, you probably shouldn't play the kissing game with your friends, that's a good way to get germs.
TheKid: Also, I'm not old enough to have babies. When I'm old enough I can play the kissing game and get germs to have babies.
...
in random
I used to be a programmer, but then I took an < to the : …
nose goblins
(From the back of the car...)
TheKid: Mama, there's broccoli in my nose!
Me: That's... interesting.
TheKid: I'ma get it out!
Me: Honey, why don't you wait until we get home, and then you can blow your nose.
TheKid: I don't want to blow my nose. There's no boogies in there, just broccoli.
misread headlines
in misread
Stowaway Mistletoe Threatens Galapagos Wildlife
McCain to Oppose Stormtrooper For Supreme Court…
Makeup-Sex Denied Officials…
Super-accurate ultra-micro cooter is almost like the real thing…
Scientists not naked, but not pretty…
Flavored Scottish Terrier Wins Westminster Title
Find great homemade baby recipes…
SF is proposing trolls between the Peninsula and the city.
Scientists have filmed deep-ass creatures for the first time…
Cakes Found in 3 More Southwest Airlines 737s"
Resistance to Jupiter Grows in India
Should Electrons Be Held On Weekends?
Snow Executed In The Sierra This Weekend
How to deflower teabags
The Goats of Sex In The City
hipster cover band
in random
"Accidentally Awesome" is the name of my cover band for a band you’ve probably never heard of.
post no bills?
in random
pronunciation
(Driving past Japantown)
TheKid: Robot!!
Me: Baby, that's called a pagoda.
TheKid: BaKOda!
Me: PaGOda.
TheKid: GaPOda!
Me: PaGOda.
TheKid: Robot!!
you can't do that
in observations
Pro Tip: Computers are smart, but they’re not so advanced that they can execute operations on data you intend to create at some point in the future. In other words, time travel still hasn’t been invented.
that's my girl
(After some brief discussion of Zombie Robot Monkeys)
TheDad: Amailah, what color do you think a Zombie Robot Monkey is?
TheKid: BRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!
"I'm sorry, baby! I didn't mean it, I swear!"
in observations
The GOP is a lot like an abusive ex-boyfriend. They wine and dine women voters, luring them in with promises of limited government and fiscal conservatism. Then one day they wake up with a black eye, no reproductive rights, and no idea how it got so bad.
yes, it was
(After some convoluted discussion about whether squirrels lay eggs...)
TheKid: So, what's the answer?
Me: What was the question?
TheKid: The question WAS, "What was the answer?"
hard to argue
in random
do not google this
in misread
Ugh! Worst Misread Sign OTD: Whale Felching. (If you don’t know that last word, I refuse to be responsible for what you find if you do an internet search. Highly NSFW and may require a heavy dose of Brain Bleach.)
pants?
in misread
Misread URL OTD: fonts.googlepants.com
please do not break the future...
in random
kids
in observations
Revelation of the day: Talking to tired children is not unlike talking to drunk adults - First they say something totally nonsensical, followed by “…because I love you!” and then they unceremoniously collapse in your lap.
do not want
in misread
Misread Email Subject OTD: Hotflashes and package versions