unintended consequences

Makeup mirrors should come with warnings…

"CAUTION: Prolonged use of 7x magnification can cause nausea, prolonged attacks of vanity, panic, paranoia when stared at, and in extreme cases, the mistaken belief that your pores have mutated to a size large enough to swallow cities whole. Use sparingly."

knitter's humor

She was Yarn Drunk: she felt the need to get completely worsted…

Germs = babies

TheKid: [Boy] and me played the kissing game today!

TheDad: Baby, you probably shouldn't play the kissing game with your friends, that's a good way to get germs.

TheKid: Also, I'm not old enough to have babies. When I'm old enough I can play the kissing game and get germs to have babies.

...

I used to be a programmer, but then I took an < to the : …

nose goblins

(From the back of the car...)

TheKid: Mama, there's broccoli in my nose!

Me: That's... interesting.

TheKid: I'ma get it out!

Me: Honey, why don't you wait until we get home, and then you can blow your nose.

TheKid: I don't want to blow my nose. There's no boogies in there, just broccoli.

misread headlines

Stowaway Mistletoe Threatens Galapagos Wildlife

McCain to Oppose Stormtrooper For Supreme Court…

Makeup-Sex Denied Officials…

Super-accurate ultra-micro cooter is almost like the real thing…

Scientists not naked, but not pretty…

Flavored Scottish Terrier Wins Westminster Title

Find great homemade baby recipes…

SF is proposing trolls between the Peninsula and the city.

Scientists have filmed deep-ass creatures for the first time…

Cakes Found in 3 More Southwest Airlines 737s" 

Resistance to Jupiter Grows in India

Should Electrons Be Held On Weekends?

Snow Executed In The Sierra This Weekend

How to deflower teabags

The Goats of Sex In The City

hipster cover band

"Accidentally Awesome" is the name of my cover band for a band you’ve probably never heard of.

pronunciation

(Driving past Japantown)

TheKid: Robot!!

Me: Baby, that's called a pagoda.

TheKid: BaKOda!

Me: PaGOda.

TheKid: GaPOda!

Me: PaGOda.

TheKid: Robot!!

you can't do that

Pro Tip: Computers are smart, but they’re not so advanced that they can execute operations on data you intend to create at some point in the future. In other words, time travel still hasn’t been invented.

that's my girl

(After some brief discussion of Zombie Robot Monkeys)

TheDad: Amailah, what color do you think a Zombie Robot Monkey is?

TheKid: BRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!

"I'm sorry, baby! I didn't mean it, I swear!"

The GOP is a lot like an abusive ex-boyfriend. They wine and dine women voters, luring them in with promises of limited government and fiscal conservatism. Then one day they wake up with a black eye, no reproductive rights, and no idea how it got so bad. 

yes, it was

(After some convoluted discussion about whether squirrels lay eggs...)

TheKid: So, what's the answer?

Me: What was the question?

TheKid: The question WAS, "What was the answer?"

do not google this

Ugh! Worst Misread Sign OTD: Whale Felching. (If you don’t know that last word, I refuse to be responsible for what you find if you do an internet search. Highly NSFW and may require a heavy dose of Brain Bleach.)

kids

Revelation of the day: Talking to tired children is not unlike talking to drunk adults - First they say something totally nonsensical, followed by “…because I love you!” and then they unceremoniously collapse in your lap.