the hits just keep coming

It’s not a secret that the last 4 months or so have sucked. A lot of the last 5 years has sucked, for one reason or another, and it seems like every time things start to improve, something else happens. This latest thing is one of our cats now has an unknown health issue that could be as mild as a case of bronchitis (treatable with antibiotics) or as severe as congestive heart failure (possible sudden death).

I mean... life is just like this. It’s unpredictable, it’s hard, it’s joyous. It’s all the things. It just feels like most of the things lately have been hard. Parents getting older and having health issues. Other family members with mental health crises that come and go. The political climate. The actual climate. And somewhere in all of that we’re supposed to find our moments of peace and joy so that we can come back to all of these hard things and cope with them. Solve what we can, and move forward with grace where we can’t.

I have, in so many ways, a wonderful life. I have a husband who adores me and is a genuinely good man. I have a smart, funny, social justice warrior of a teenager who actually wants to hang out with me. I have a job I enjoy, coworkers and managers who are empathetic and supportive, and the flexibility to deal with life as it comes up. I have a roof over my head and plenty of clothing and food, and I have two vehicles to help get us where we need to go on the daily. I have the ability to support my family without working multiple jobs and running myself into the ground.

So at a certain point, it feels like maybe I should shut up and stop complaining. But it also feels like every time I take some weight off my shoulders, more gets put on, and it’s beginning to wear me down. Again.

By the end of 2023 I was in full burnout. No spoons left beyond what absolutely HAD to be done, and even then, there were some things I just couldn’t cope with. I’m not generally someone who loses their shit unless I get overstimulated, and EVERYTHING was overstimulating. As we got into 2024 things started to get better, and for several months I was finally starting to feel like myself again.

Then another crisis, which took many more months to solve. Then a short lull before it’s just been a cascade of one crisis after another, and now here we are. Yet Another Crisis.

Hubs said to me recently that he feels like I am uncharacteristically fragile. That things which would normally not push me over the edge are now just too much. And he’s not wrong. I’m back where I was at the end of 2023, and wondering what happens next.

Good thing I have a therapist. But damn if it doesn’t suck right now.