yet more misread phrases

Spectacular New Images Show Enormous Glitter On Mars

New Republican Early Detection

Pantless Dirt Removal

Encapsulated Squid Storage

French Toast Awkwardly Grilled

Midget like a boss

Chewbacca Valley Community Center

Emotionally unsuccessful singer-songwriter...

Contestant Power Cycling

A great idea for vintage sins...

Increase Escape Capacity

Flask Tests

Shipped via First Class Minion

Abusively lowering blood pressure...

How to appropriately back up transgender data.

Invisible Vintage Camera Collection

Evaluating butter impact...

...in space!

Misread Animal Name In A Headline OTD: Twin Unmanned Baby Red Pandas

neigh!

Thank you, brain, for that awesome misread. I'm going to start calling iPhones "iPonies". 

iPonies in the Cloud. FTW.

misread email subjects

“Methadone Traffic Lights”

“Hooked On Meth kit - Brand new!”

“Eyeroll Tech & Ads”

“Request for the nutjob plugin”

“Random Acts Of Kittens”

“Candida Pharmacy”

“UNISEX LISA Attendees”

“Help conjuring SSH tunnels…”

“Necrotized Sour Cherry Preserves”

“How not to be naked”

“Cannabis Rabies Shots - 17 Locations”

“Can’t save pigs on flickr page”

“Extracting life from variables”

“Parsing trouble into a variable”

“Lithium Damn”

“For Sale: Samsung Catamite”

“For Sale: Ukelele Farm”

“Error: Inhaled Twiki Response”

“Best Offer: Rosewood Kitten Set”

“FREE! Funk Beds, oak Furniture”

“Remediation For Golf Lessons”

“Wanted: Writable Condom”

“Certified Mayonaisian Translator”

“Kitten Cabinet Refacing”

unintended consequences

Makeup mirrors should come with warnings…

"CAUTION: Prolonged use of 7x magnification can cause nausea, prolonged attacks of vanity, panic, paranoia when stared at, and in extreme cases, the mistaken belief that your pores have mutated to a size large enough to swallow cities whole. Use sparingly."

knitter's humor

She was Yarn Drunk: she felt the need to get completely worsted…

Germs = babies

TheKid: [Boy] and me played the kissing game today!

TheDad: Baby, you probably shouldn't play the kissing game with your friends, that's a good way to get germs.

TheKid: Also, I'm not old enough to have babies. When I'm old enough I can play the kissing game and get germs to have babies.

...

I used to be a programmer, but then I took an < to the : …

nose goblins

(From the back of the car...)

TheKid: Mama, there's broccoli in my nose!

Me: That's... interesting.

TheKid: I'ma get it out!

Me: Honey, why don't you wait until we get home, and then you can blow your nose.

TheKid: I don't want to blow my nose. There's no boogies in there, just broccoli.

misread headlines

Stowaway Mistletoe Threatens Galapagos Wildlife

McCain to Oppose Stormtrooper For Supreme Court…

Makeup-Sex Denied Officials…

Super-accurate ultra-micro cooter is almost like the real thing…

Scientists not naked, but not pretty…

Flavored Scottish Terrier Wins Westminster Title

Find great homemade baby recipes…

SF is proposing trolls between the Peninsula and the city.

Scientists have filmed deep-ass creatures for the first time…

Cakes Found in 3 More Southwest Airlines 737s" 

Resistance to Jupiter Grows in India

Should Electrons Be Held On Weekends?

Snow Executed In The Sierra This Weekend

How to deflower teabags

The Goats of Sex In The City

hipster cover band

"Accidentally Awesome" is the name of my cover band for a band you’ve probably never heard of.

pronunciation

(Driving past Japantown)

TheKid: Robot!!

Me: Baby, that's called a pagoda.

TheKid: BaKOda!

Me: PaGOda.

TheKid: GaPOda!

Me: PaGOda.

TheKid: Robot!!

you can't do that

Pro Tip: Computers are smart, but they’re not so advanced that they can execute operations on data you intend to create at some point in the future. In other words, time travel still hasn’t been invented.