unintended consequences

Makeup mirrors should come with warnings…

"CAUTION: Prolonged use of 7x magnification can cause nausea, prolonged attacks of vanity, panic, paranoia when stared at, and in extreme cases, the mistaken belief that your pores have mutated to a size large enough to swallow cities whole. Use sparingly."

you can't do that

Pro Tip: Computers are smart, but they’re not so advanced that they can execute operations on data you intend to create at some point in the future. In other words, time travel still hasn’t been invented.

"I'm sorry, baby! I didn't mean it, I swear!"

The GOP is a lot like an abusive ex-boyfriend. They wine and dine women voters, luring them in with promises of limited government and fiscal conservatism. Then one day they wake up with a black eye, no reproductive rights, and no idea how it got so bad. 

kids

Revelation of the day: Talking to tired children is not unlike talking to drunk adults - First they say something totally nonsensical, followed by “…because I love you!” and then they unceremoniously collapse in your lap.

not intuitive

I have never understood the term “BOGO”. If I “buy one” I always expect to “get one”. Instead, how about BOGOF(ree), BOGOM(ore), or BOGOA(dditional)? That last one could even come with a free dance party!