Truth...

<Coworker 1> Here, try these, they're delicious! 
<Me>*noticing it's chocolate* Well, ok. You caught me in a moment of weakness.
<Coworker 2> ...otherwise known as "Tuesday". 

Touche, Coworker 2, touche.

What did you say?

<Him> Alright, you know what I'm going to do? 
<Me> No, but I bet you're going to tell me...
<Him> No, I'm going to tell Siri, because she listens. 
🤣🤣🤣

Hockey, hockey, hockey

The only sport I know much of anything about is hockey, so I’ve decided that all sports are just alternate forms of hockey:

Bounce Hockey (basketball)

Pig Hockey (football)

Stick Hockey (baseball)

Foot Hockey (soccer)

Club Hockey (golf)

Horse Hockey (polo)

Wet Hockey (water polo)

Net Hockey (tennis)

Spike Hockey (volleyball)

Hook Hockey (jai alai)

Grass Hockey (lacrosse)

Bird Hockey (badminton)

Scrum Hockey (rugby)

Pitch Hockey (cricket)

Also:

Boulder Hockey (curling)

Broom Hockey (quidditch)

Glitter Hockey (figure skating)

Bull Hockey (politics)


he's lucky i like him...

(After noticing that my Rogue streak of hair is getting wider...)

Me: You don't mind all my grey hairs, do you? 

TheBF: Of course not! It makes me look EVEN YOUNGER when I stand next to you. 

Me: (•̆︿•̆)

hipster food

Leaving the mall, teenagers behind me are discussing how "the graham cracker is marginalized."

good advice

TheKid: Mama, I need to give you some advice. 

Me: Ok...

TheKid: Never, ever use a fortune teller. They LIE! 

Noted, kiddo.

ew!

TheKid: Romance is when you really love someone, and you kiss them on the eyeball!

Germs = babies

TheKid: [Boy] and me played the kissing game today!

TheDad: Baby, you probably shouldn't play the kissing game with your friends, that's a good way to get germs.

TheKid: Also, I'm not old enough to have babies. When I'm old enough I can play the kissing game and get germs to have babies.

nose goblins

(From the back of the car...)

TheKid: Mama, there's broccoli in my nose!

Me: That's... interesting.

TheKid: I'ma get it out!

Me: Honey, why don't you wait until we get home, and then you can blow your nose.

TheKid: I don't want to blow my nose. There's no boogies in there, just broccoli.

pronunciation

(Driving past Japantown)

TheKid: Robot!!

Me: Baby, that's called a pagoda.

TheKid: BaKOda!

Me: PaGOda.

TheKid: GaPOda!

Me: PaGOda.

TheKid: Robot!!

that's my girl

(After some brief discussion of Zombie Robot Monkeys)

TheDad: Amailah, what color do you think a Zombie Robot Monkey is?

TheKid: BRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!

yes, it was

(After some convoluted discussion about whether squirrels lay eggs...)

TheKid: So, what's the answer?

Me: What was the question?

TheKid: The question WAS, "What was the answer?"

poisoned

TheKid: Pardon me... 

Me: Did you fart? 

TheKid: Yeah. I poisoned my seat!! With farts!!

kid wisdom

TheKid: Mama, what does my shirt say? 

Me: It says "I just gotta be me!" 

TheKid: ... I can't be someone else! That would be weird! 

Wise words, baby. <3

dinner time

TheKid: *from the bedroom closet, pretending to be in the Spirit World* SPIRIT WORLD IS HUNGRY! 

TheDad: THEN THE SPIRIT WORLD NEEDS TO MATERIALIZE SO THAT DINNER CAN BE DISCUSSED! 

TheKid: ... OKAY!!

spreading love

TheKid: Mama, I'm trying to make your necklace fly and spread love all over the world! Bam! It hit me, and now... *collapses in my arms dramatically, batting her eyelashes* 

Me: ...you're full of love? 

TheKid: Yeah, and love is heavy. I can't get up!

ideas

TheKid: Wait, Mama! I have an idea! 

Me: Only one? 

TheKid: Well, I have lots of ideas, but only one that might work out...

snow

TheKid: I wish we lived somewhere where it snows. 

TheDad: Why? 

TheKid: So we can go snow skiing! 

Me: Well, we can go to where the snow is, we don't have to live where the snow is. 

TheKid: But that wouldn't be very efficient!