I want one.

Random thought OTD: Every Nissan Leaf should come with a complimentary “Wash is my copilot” sticker.

Truth...

<Coworker 1> Here, try these, they're delicious! 
<Me>*noticing it's chocolate* Well, ok. You caught me in a moment of weakness.
<Coworker 2> ...otherwise known as "Tuesday". 

Touche, Coworker 2, touche.

What did you say?

<Him> Alright, you know what I'm going to do? 
<Me> No, but I bet you're going to tell me...
<Him> No, I'm going to tell Siri, because she listens. 
🤣🤣🤣

Hockey, hockey, hockey

The only sport I know much of anything about is hockey, so I’ve decided that all sports are just alternate forms of hockey:

Bounce Hockey (basketball)

Pig Hockey (football)

Stick Hockey (baseball)

Foot Hockey (soccer)

Club Hockey (golf)

Horse Hockey (polo)

Wet Hockey (water polo)

Net Hockey (tennis)

Spike Hockey (volleyball)

Hook Hockey (jai alai)

Grass Hockey (lacrosse)

Bird Hockey (badminton)

Scrum Hockey (rugby)

Pitch Hockey (cricket)

Also:

Boulder Hockey (curling)

Broom Hockey (quidditch)

Glitter Hockey (figure skating)

Bull Hockey (politics)


Funny, not funny

Misread SubReddit OTD: "A new study has shown that people with altruism are 3x as likely as the general population to have depression..."

Whatever Man

(from January…)

We (coworkers and I) have come up with a new superhero: Whatever Man. Apathy is his super power, and it's so strong that it demotivates any supervillian he encounters.

<Evil Genius> You're too late, Whatever Man! My Ultra Laser Beam of Doom is finished!! All I have to do is push this button, and New York City will be DESTROYED!

<Whatever Man> Whatever, man.

<Evil Genius> ...Wait, what? You're supposed to give me a speech about how evil never prevails, and then try to stop me! Why aren't you trying to stop me?! We're supposed to be having an epic struggle! 

<Whatever Man> ... 

<Evil Genius> ... UGH! Why do I even bother? I'm obviously not evil enough for you to consider me a threat. I went to all this effort, and you don't even care. I should just go back to living in my parents' basement and playing video games all day. ...Hey, wanna come over and play Street Fighter? My mom can order us some pizza. 

<Whatever Man> Whatever, man.

Fun with SnapChat

We accidentally discovered that SnapChat would work on one of our cats (see Sir Bunny Ears, below). Some months later, they added filters specifically FOR your pets. Hilarity ensued…

he's lucky i like him...

(After noticing that my Rogue streak of hair is getting wider...)

Me: You don't mind all my grey hairs, do you? 

TheBF: Of course not! It makes me look EVEN YOUNGER when I stand next to you. 

Me: (•̆︿•̆)

irony, or just annoying?

The irony of having had one of my packages stolen off the front step, is that it had a Celtic knot cross-stitch kit that said "Welcome, friends".

I doubt the thieves will appreciate this.

hipster food

Leaving the mall, teenagers behind me are discussing how "the graham cracker is marginalized."

good advice

TheKid: Mama, I need to give you some advice. 

Me: Ok...

TheKid: Never, ever use a fortune teller. They LIE! 

Noted, kiddo.

ew!

TheKid: Romance is when you really love someone, and you kiss them on the eyeball!

do not want

I’m pretty sure I just saw the phrase "twerkology", but the concept is more than a bit alarming and I refuse to go back and check..